What's brought me to this point?

March 5, 2010

To whom it may concern,

My name is X and one week ago, I threw away the love of my life for no reason at all. Or so it seems. Despite only being together for seven months, they were the best seven months of my life. We’ll get into that in a bit; I just have to write some other stuff first.

What brought me to this point, to where I’m actually writing about it? I don’t know. I just seem to have so much to say and nowhere to put it, so into this .doc/journal/whatever this ends up being it will go.

Let’s start with why I’m here – my last relationship. I had to take a minute to add the word ‘last’ there. I’m not used to it. I waited until just yesterday to tell my family about it, actually. I haven’t even told my closest friends yet. Is it possible that this was the wrong decision? Of course, very possible. More likely than not, actually. But she deserves better than what I’ve been able to give her. As of lately, I’ve been down a lot. For a few months actually. I don’t know why, really. I could easily blame it on the weather, snow and darkness, but that’s just an easy outlet I refuse to go to. Depression? Another easy outlet. I’m in a rut. I think that works pretty well.

We go to different universities, but are somewhat close. Close enough that I could go over and we could spend our weekends together. But during the week, I’ve been really –what’s a good way to put it – bummed. I’m an introvert, I’ll admit that, but it’s been to an extreme lately. I don’t do much, I rarely talk. We never talked on the phone. That was something neither of us really enjoyed under any circumstances. We kept our conversations to text and online chat. But that had dwindled down to a dozen or so texts a day. A simple “good morning”, “how’s your day been”, and then a “goodnight” to wrap it. There was no substance. She tried, but I wasn’t giving too much. She never let it bother her, though. But it bothered me.

When I’d go out to see her, it would be pretty good. Usually. Sometimes. For a couple minutes at least. But then I’d just get down again. It lost its appeal. I wasn’t putting enough in for what she was willing to give to me. A few things occurred last weekend that put me to a point where I had to take action. For her benefit.

When I tell you it was for her benefit, I mean that whole-heartedly. She was perfect for me. Everything I could ask for, everything I didn’t even know I’d ask for. She was hurt, that I know. She still may well be, I haven’t talked to her since it happened. I can’t allow myself to. She deserves better. Someone who can love her as much as anyone could love a person. Someone who will take the time to talk to her and be excited about what she has to say. Someone to make her smile whenever all else seems to be wrong. It just isn’t me.

It kills me to have done what I did. I miss her with every ounce of my body. I want to just see her and kiss her and hold her. There is no one in my life who I want to be with right now more than her. It’s a Friday. I have just started my spring break. I should be spending this entire week with her taking advantage of every free second I have. But then, it would go right back to the weekend-only relationship that is so unbearable.

Summer isn’t any better. You see, we live an hour apart. And unfortunately, we aren’t ‘trust fund kids’. We pay for school ourselves through weak summer jobs and student loans. So to consider the summer break from school as being any easier is outrageous. There just is not a good time for her and I to be an ‘us’ right now. God, I wish there was. I have been entertaining the thought of us getting back together in a few years once we’ve both graduated and hold real, adult jobs. But to believe that would happen is just naive. She’s got the world at her fingertips. A straight-A student, never had a B in her life, 4.0’s in college, beautiful, funny, artistic (serious skill), a beautiful voice. She’s every man’s dream. And unfortunately for me, I’m sure she’ll fulfill that dream of another man before the time for an ‘us’ in right again.

My life without her is empty. She’s the best person I’ve ever met. In touch with herself and loves her family more than anything. She’s perfect. She is me. She is everything I want. I have to do this though. I have to get through this, and I have to let her get through this. I have to remove myself from the equation. I have to be distant. I have to go through hell so she can find a heaven.

I don’t remember where I started off with this, but we’ll consider this an introduction. A ‘get to know me’, if you will. Where is this going? I hope to keep track of my life with this. Use it as an outlet for whatever I may deal with or happens. What are my goals? Get my head right. Obtain a better understanding of life and how it all works through this.

God, help me.