I miss you

March 12, 2010

To whom it may concern,

Any mention of her completely drains me. I can’t take it. My life is becoming a hell far, far worse than I ever imagined. I can’t just go apologize to her. My damn pride is the kicking me in the face. I can’t imagine apologizing and the past couple weeks having no long-term effects.

I want to be with her so terribly bad. It’s the last weekend of my spring break. This past week should have been spent with her. Why do I do this to myself? What was I thinking? What am I thinking? I know that it will be better for her in the long run, but right now this is torture.

She’s all I think about. All the time. I don’t know what I can do. I was just laying in bed and was thinking that maybe the purpose of this is to give it to her in the future in hopes that we’ll be together again. That’s stupid. I don’t deserve her. If I did before, I don’t after this. I don’t deserve the person I love more than anyone else. God, what can I do? I would give up anything to have the perfect relationship with her again. Like what we had those first few months. I’d give literally ANYTHING for that.

Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? It wasn’t her, not at all. She’s as perfect as they come. Perfect for me. But I fucked it up. I completely shit on myself. There’s no way I can fix this one. Nope. No way. I’m an idiot. Dumbass. Waste. Piece of shit.

I miss you. With all of my heart and soul. Mention of you hurts like hell. I’m reminded of you in absolutely everything I do. You were never wrong, it was all me. I’m at fault here. This is all on me and you don’t deserve what I’ve become. You don’t deserve how I’ve treated you. God, I love you. I love you more than anything. I’d give up anything to be perfect for you like you are perfect for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be. I’m sorry I hurt you so bad. I wish I could take your pain and you could be happy. You will be happy. Happier than you would have been with me. I promise. I hope. I love you. You really are the most talented, smartest person I know. You can do absolutely anything with your life. You should know that. You are a great person, the best I know. You have everything going for you. You will be happy. I’m sorry.

She’ll probably never read that. I’m not sure she has to. I just need to say it though. Somebody might read it one day. Somebody might learn from me. I wish I could.

I miss you.

X