I need answers

March 14, 2010

To whom it may concern,

I miss you to death. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I wish this would have never happened. I don’t know if we can ever be back at the stage we were before I opened my mouth. I don’t deserve you. I want you to know that I love you. I’ve come to realize that more than anything else this past week. I don’t expect you to want to be with me anymore. I wish I could know what you were thinking, how this could be fixed. I wish it hadn’t ever happened. God, I’m so sorry. I love you with all of my heart. I wish you could be my forever. I wish that could happen. I wish you knew all this. I wish I had the courage to actually tell you. But I really don’t think this past few weeks could be forgotten. It’ll always kind of linger there. I don’t know if I could handle that.

I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I didn’t know this kind of love existed. I find it terrifying that it took us splitting up for me to realize it.

I’ll admit, I want you to be happy, even if that means it is not with me. However, I don’t want that to happen so fast. Maybe it’s because my other ex’s have done that, but it would hurt so much more with you. I don’t know why I feel like that. I don’t know if we could ever be 100% again.

I really wish I had some answers. Any answers. I wish I knew what I should do. There are times that I feel like I should try to message you and talk to you, but then as soon as it comes, I’ll second-guess myself. You’re such a perfect person. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you.

She messaged me for the first time today. She just sent me an email telling me she wished I was alright and that she missed me. I replied back. “I'm not going to lie, I don't know how I am. I'm not really sure what to say, but I have a lot going on with me right now.”

I second-guessed myself as soon as I sent it. I don’t know if I should be talking to her. I want to, but I just don’t know. I don’t know about a lot these days. What do I do? Is it just that I miss her since it’s still a fresh wound? My feelings for her seem to have only grown, but I worry it will diminish if we’d get back together again. You know, that kind of “forbidden fruit” crap.

She hasn’t replied yet. I guess if she hasn’t replied by the end of tomorrow, then maybe she didn’t expect a reply. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say. Maybe she thinks its best we don’t talk. I’m scared. I hope she replies. I miss her.

Her family probably hates me. Her friends probably hate me. I hate me. At the very least, her family will hold it against me. At the very least, her friends will hold it against me. I hold it against me.

It won’t ever be the same if we get back together. I don’t deserve a second chance. I ruined it. She was the best thing to ever happen to me and I threw it away because I got a little worried. How fucking stupid can I be? What the hell was I thinking?

What do you want me to do? What is the right thing to do? How can I fix this? Can I fix this? Can we come out better than we were before? Or is it broken for good? I’m sorry.

I love you.

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