I need answers

March 14, 2010

To whom it may concern,

I miss you to death. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I wish this would have never happened. I don’t know if we can ever be back at the stage we were before I opened my mouth. I don’t deserve you. I want you to know that I love you. I’ve come to realize that more than anything else this past week. I don’t expect you to want to be with me anymore. I wish I could know what you were thinking, how this could be fixed. I wish it hadn’t ever happened. God, I’m so sorry. I love you with all of my heart. I wish you could be my forever. I wish that could happen. I wish you knew all this. I wish I had the courage to actually tell you. But I really don’t think this past few weeks could be forgotten. It’ll always kind of linger there. I don’t know if I could handle that.

I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I didn’t know this kind of love existed. I find it terrifying that it took us splitting up for me to realize it.

I’ll admit, I want you to be happy, even if that means it is not with me. However, I don’t want that to happen so fast. Maybe it’s because my other ex’s have done that, but it would hurt so much more with you. I don’t know why I feel like that. I don’t know if we could ever be 100% again.

I really wish I had some answers. Any answers. I wish I knew what I should do. There are times that I feel like I should try to message you and talk to you, but then as soon as it comes, I’ll second-guess myself. You’re such a perfect person. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you.

She messaged me for the first time today. She just sent me an email telling me she wished I was alright and that she missed me. I replied back. “I'm not going to lie, I don't know how I am. I'm not really sure what to say, but I have a lot going on with me right now.”

I second-guessed myself as soon as I sent it. I don’t know if I should be talking to her. I want to, but I just don’t know. I don’t know about a lot these days. What do I do? Is it just that I miss her since it’s still a fresh wound? My feelings for her seem to have only grown, but I worry it will diminish if we’d get back together again. You know, that kind of “forbidden fruit” crap.

She hasn’t replied yet. I guess if she hasn’t replied by the end of tomorrow, then maybe she didn’t expect a reply. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say. Maybe she thinks its best we don’t talk. I’m scared. I hope she replies. I miss her.

Her family probably hates me. Her friends probably hate me. I hate me. At the very least, her family will hold it against me. At the very least, her friends will hold it against me. I hold it against me.

It won’t ever be the same if we get back together. I don’t deserve a second chance. I ruined it. She was the best thing to ever happen to me and I threw it away because I got a little worried. How fucking stupid can I be? What the hell was I thinking?

What do you want me to do? What is the right thing to do? How can I fix this? Can I fix this? Can we come out better than we were before? Or is it broken for good? I’m sorry.

I love you.

X

I miss you

March 12, 2010

To whom it may concern,

Any mention of her completely drains me. I can’t take it. My life is becoming a hell far, far worse than I ever imagined. I can’t just go apologize to her. My damn pride is the kicking me in the face. I can’t imagine apologizing and the past couple weeks having no long-term effects.

I want to be with her so terribly bad. It’s the last weekend of my spring break. This past week should have been spent with her. Why do I do this to myself? What was I thinking? What am I thinking? I know that it will be better for her in the long run, but right now this is torture.

She’s all I think about. All the time. I don’t know what I can do. I was just laying in bed and was thinking that maybe the purpose of this is to give it to her in the future in hopes that we’ll be together again. That’s stupid. I don’t deserve her. If I did before, I don’t after this. I don’t deserve the person I love more than anyone else. God, what can I do? I would give up anything to have the perfect relationship with her again. Like what we had those first few months. I’d give literally ANYTHING for that.

Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? It wasn’t her, not at all. She’s as perfect as they come. Perfect for me. But I fucked it up. I completely shit on myself. There’s no way I can fix this one. Nope. No way. I’m an idiot. Dumbass. Waste. Piece of shit.

I miss you. With all of my heart and soul. Mention of you hurts like hell. I’m reminded of you in absolutely everything I do. You were never wrong, it was all me. I’m at fault here. This is all on me and you don’t deserve what I’ve become. You don’t deserve how I’ve treated you. God, I love you. I love you more than anything. I’d give up anything to be perfect for you like you are perfect for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be. I’m sorry I hurt you so bad. I wish I could take your pain and you could be happy. You will be happy. Happier than you would have been with me. I promise. I hope. I love you. You really are the most talented, smartest person I know. You can do absolutely anything with your life. You should know that. You are a great person, the best I know. You have everything going for you. You will be happy. I’m sorry.

She’ll probably never read that. I’m not sure she has to. I just need to say it though. Somebody might read it one day. Somebody might learn from me. I wish I could.

I miss you.

X

Singled out

March 11, 2010

To whom it may concern,

Facebook official now. She changed her relationship status to ‘single’. Yeah, I’m that naïve. Then I see she’s going to hang out with other guys. Again, yes, I’m that naïve. I suppose that I was just holding out hope that something would change. God, I’m an idiot. I’m the one who broke up with her and I’m upset that she’s moving on.

Usually a walk will clear my head a bit, so I took one last night. No dice this time. If anything it made me realize how much I want her. I’m faking just about every smile I have right now. I cry out of nowhere.

It’s my dad’s birthday today. I’m going out to the new “camp” he just bought with him to check it out. It’s more like a small property surrounded by other small properties alongside a creek. Nothing really special. But it’s something he’s always wanted, so I’ll fake more smiles for that.

I can’t get excited for just about anything right now. I feel like such a freak. All I want is to go talk to her and I don’t have the balls. I’m too proud. I’m too fucking proud to tell her how I really feel. She deserves better than me.

Did I just throw away the love of my life? Did I not work hard enough? Where does it go from here? Where does my path in life lead me? Will her and I ever be an ‘us’ again? When will this feeling pass? It has to, right? It’s not going to be forever? Tell me it isn’t. God, tell me it’s just a short-term feeling. I don’t know how long I can handle this.

I can’t even come to tell my mom what happened, she’ll ask too many questions and I can’t handle that right now. I told my sister, she is usually a beast with advice. But she’s going through her own struggles right now, so she didn’t really say much. She’s coming home this weekend, so maybe she’ll talk then. I’m not sure my dad even knows. He probably will now, his wife will see it on Facebook and mention it to him. I hope he doesn’t ask anything.

A couple buddies have asked me what happened. I just tell them I’m a dumbass and she deserves better. They tell me it’s not true. But nobody knows the true me, not even her. Not even past girlfriends. No one has ever been able to figure me out. I haven’t been able to. I just have to get through this for a few days, weeks, whatever, so she can be happy. She deserves it more than I deserve her.

I will admit here, though, that for the first time in a serious relationship, I never talked “intimately” with another girl. I’ve done that in all my previous relationships. Is it because I didn’t give our relationship enough time? Was she different? I don’t know for certain. I likely never will. I’m half glad and half dead over it. What if she was different? What if we were different? What if she was the one? That’s how it seems right now. But I don’t want to imagine that happening anyway, she deserves better. Am I dumb enough to let it happen? Probably. Hell, I was dumb enough to throw away the one thing that kept me together all this time.

She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’d have gone through hell for her so she’d be happy. What happened? How did I lose that? She didn’t change, I did. Why did I change? What changed in me? Why couldn’t I fix it? I still love her. Has that diminished since the beginning? I wouldn’t say that. It’s changed, yes, but love changes over time, right? I guess I’m still willing to go through hell to see her happy, but when we were together I wasn’t. Not at the end. What the hell.

Where am I going with this? I’m just rambling.

I miss you.

X

Ed. note: This was published a day late due to Internet problems

This past weekend

March 8, 2010

To whom it may concern,

This weekend was alright at times and hell during other times. I had originally planned to do this daily, but I went out Friday night to try to take my mind off of things. Nothing special or big, just over to a buddy’s house to play Halo. We ended up staying up all night and going to the Pittsburgh Penguins game the next day, student rushing. If you don’t know what that is, look it up on their website, I don’t feel like trying to explain. But I was completely exhausted after having been up for 36 hours. So no time to write.

How’d it go? Eh, it was fun while I forgot about it all, but there were times when I’d think about her and I’d break a little bit. It was nice to try to get my mind off of it for a day, though.

When I got back, though, it was right back to my lonely reality. I crashed immediately and woke up throughout the night with nightmares. They all involved her. I’d have left her and she’d moved on already. I know it’s going to happen, it’s just something I don’t want to think about right now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. I don’t know if I’m going to be getting a job out of school, the economy really blows still. I know it’s a year or so off, but it’s in the back of my mind. I’ve really been considering joining the Army. It’s something I’ve felt like I’ve always needed to do. I live in the greatest country in the world and no matter my opinion on the war, I will support the military 100%. I feel like I have a duty to the country and I want to be able to live up to it. Am I conditioned enough for it? I don’t think so. I think it’s something I’m going to have to work for, just like a lot of things in life. Will it be worth it? I don’t know, but I’d be willing to find out.

I miss her a lot. It’s not easy to go a day without talking to her, let alone this past week. I really hope she’s doing well. I hope her friends and family are trying to let her know I’m an asshole and not worthy of her. I deserve this hell.

X