Singled out

March 11, 2010

To whom it may concern,

Facebook official now. She changed her relationship status to ‘single’. Yeah, I’m that naïve. Then I see she’s going to hang out with other guys. Again, yes, I’m that naïve. I suppose that I was just holding out hope that something would change. God, I’m an idiot. I’m the one who broke up with her and I’m upset that she’s moving on.

Usually a walk will clear my head a bit, so I took one last night. No dice this time. If anything it made me realize how much I want her. I’m faking just about every smile I have right now. I cry out of nowhere.

It’s my dad’s birthday today. I’m going out to the new “camp” he just bought with him to check it out. It’s more like a small property surrounded by other small properties alongside a creek. Nothing really special. But it’s something he’s always wanted, so I’ll fake more smiles for that.

I can’t get excited for just about anything right now. I feel like such a freak. All I want is to go talk to her and I don’t have the balls. I’m too proud. I’m too fucking proud to tell her how I really feel. She deserves better than me.

Did I just throw away the love of my life? Did I not work hard enough? Where does it go from here? Where does my path in life lead me? Will her and I ever be an ‘us’ again? When will this feeling pass? It has to, right? It’s not going to be forever? Tell me it isn’t. God, tell me it’s just a short-term feeling. I don’t know how long I can handle this.

I can’t even come to tell my mom what happened, she’ll ask too many questions and I can’t handle that right now. I told my sister, she is usually a beast with advice. But she’s going through her own struggles right now, so she didn’t really say much. She’s coming home this weekend, so maybe she’ll talk then. I’m not sure my dad even knows. He probably will now, his wife will see it on Facebook and mention it to him. I hope he doesn’t ask anything.

A couple buddies have asked me what happened. I just tell them I’m a dumbass and she deserves better. They tell me it’s not true. But nobody knows the true me, not even her. Not even past girlfriends. No one has ever been able to figure me out. I haven’t been able to. I just have to get through this for a few days, weeks, whatever, so she can be happy. She deserves it more than I deserve her.

I will admit here, though, that for the first time in a serious relationship, I never talked “intimately” with another girl. I’ve done that in all my previous relationships. Is it because I didn’t give our relationship enough time? Was she different? I don’t know for certain. I likely never will. I’m half glad and half dead over it. What if she was different? What if we were different? What if she was the one? That’s how it seems right now. But I don’t want to imagine that happening anyway, she deserves better. Am I dumb enough to let it happen? Probably. Hell, I was dumb enough to throw away the one thing that kept me together all this time.

She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’d have gone through hell for her so she’d be happy. What happened? How did I lose that? She didn’t change, I did. Why did I change? What changed in me? Why couldn’t I fix it? I still love her. Has that diminished since the beginning? I wouldn’t say that. It’s changed, yes, but love changes over time, right? I guess I’m still willing to go through hell to see her happy, but when we were together I wasn’t. Not at the end. What the hell.

Where am I going with this? I’m just rambling.

I miss you.

X

Ed. note: This was published a day late due to Internet problems